I have little interest in sports, except that I occasionally enjoy watching swimming, diving and snooker on television, not participating. So you can guess how bored I was while the 2012 London Olympics penetrated just about every television channel, with unbridled enthusiasm from every commentator and pundit. The only saving grace for me was that in the actual sporting events Tom Daley managed to get a bronze medal in the Men’s Ten-Metre Diving.
Highlight: Rowan Atkinson [right] as Mr Bean with the London Symphony Orchestra conducted by Sir Simon Rattle at the Opening Ceremony, playing ‘Chariots of Fire’.
Oops! Ouch!
There was some entertainment value for me from others. (Sorry, but I can’t help being amused by banana-skin situations.) More in the same vein.
Riding a bicycle in London is never the safest pursuit especially for Latvians. Throw in a few jumps, a hairpin bend and seven other riders with no appreciation for the merits of braking and you’ve got a potential problem
Then again, sometimes it’s no-one else’s fault but your own, as Carlos Mario Zabala Oquendo can attest
And more...
From the bike track to the running track... when it comes to hitting the deck, runners sure know how to do it in style. Spain’s Diego Ruiz produced this wonderful gambol in his 1500m heats
Of course, the athlete isn’t always to blame. Lazaro Borges of Cuba could hardly have imagined the tool of his trade would prove so inadequate midway through a pole-vault attempt. Fortunately, very fortunately, he landed on the fringe of the mat
Sitting down when landing from the vault: turns out that’s not a great idea for this Dominican Republic gymnast
Another bad idea – expecting a horse to know what to do when faced with a series of ludicrous London-themed jumps. No wonder this horse, Matrix, was bamboozled
Meanwhile, this horse particularly objected to the idea of a bath midway round the eventing course
Though this was a needlessly theatrical reaction
In a display of unified incompetence, three competitors in the 110m hurdles heats bulldozed their way through the barriers. Shamar Sands of the Bahamas came off worst
Renowned for its grace, athleticism and, let’s be honest, inherent danger, gymnastics is always a bountiful realm for crash-seeking punters... Kazuhito Tanaka of Japan produced a dismount of unrivaled inelegance
Wear a purple Games Maker outfit and you’re practically a flashing target as Poland’s Zbigniew Bartman discovered
Evidently volleyball is little safer – sit within 10 yards of the action and you’re asking for trouble
Morgan Uceny had a Mary Decker moment in the women’s 1500m. No doubt she, too, blamed Zola Budd for her all
The danger in hockey ought to be minimal, but when your opponent whacks you in the chops with her stick it’s certain to hurt... and produce a handful of blood
Samuel Mikulak (USA) had grip issues with the uneven bars...
...and with the floor
Supporters weren’t immune from trouble. The question is, how many over-priced beers were to blame for this tumble?
The harder they come, the harder the fall – yes, that bar really is bending around his neck – a wince-inducing failure if ever there was one, for Matthias Steiner of Germany
While Gabrielle Douglas (USA) discovered why the underside of the high beam is seldom used. Nadia Comaneci would weep
It’s hard to tell whether basketball player Clarissa Santos is falling or just break-dancing. The latter probably
Serena Williams: It’s catchy
Once arguably the greatest hurdler in the world, Liu Xiang (China) had nowhere to hide after this wonderful bow-legged departure from the heats at the very first hurdle
Naturally, there can only be one winner of the most inglorious Olympic performance. Luckily for all of the above, they have fallen short. Liu Xiang takes the gong ...
...And confirmation of his unwanted status as the chief blunderer of the 2012 Games was swiftly provided thanks to Hungary’s Balazs Baji
In my opinion, the horror of the games was the woman who declared them open, Queen Elizabeth II. Why? Did you see her at the opening ceremony (James Bond stunt apart)? A face as glum as could be, as if someone close to her had just farted! OK, so she didn’t like all the pop music. I didn’t. I don’t suppose that Queen Sofia of Spain was that keen on it either; but when the Spanish team entered the stadium, she stood up, waved and cheered just like everybody else. ¡Viva la República Británica!
After seeing such “sports” as synchronized swimming in the Olympic Games, I’ve been thinking of a few new ones that could be added for Rio. How about:
- Czech Bouncing, to complement Pole Vaulting?
- Chinese Checkers, testing for drugs?
- Russian Roulette? (gold medals only; posthumous silver and bronze to be considered)
- Swede Mashing?
- China Smashing?
- Underwater motor cycling? (may be ‘green’ issues here: water pollution, etc.)
- Solitaire? (everyone wins a Gold medal)
- Tiddley-winks and marbles? Darts (most pints drunk)?
- Pogo-stick racing? (of various distances between 100 metres and a marathon)
- Reverse hurdling? (i.e. running and leaping backwards over the hurdles)
- Bungee-jumping? (prizes to competitors who get closest to the water [or whatever’s below] without actually touching it)
The Height of Athleticism?
If bungee-jumping leaves your head spinning, what about these two Russian athletes called Dexter & Basik? I can offer no more explanation as the whole thing’s in Russian, except that they’re on a tower in Электростали (Elektrostal), 50 km east of Moscow, and the first word is Риск (Risk).
Television Sport
Some twenty-odd years ago, when satellite television started up in the UK, the new companies made energetic efforts to secure the rights to televise football, cricket, and other sports events, live and exclusively. Some they won, some they lost. But a sizable minority of us hoped that they would succeed and that all those boring contests would be consigned to a ghetto up in the sky, and we could get on with watching our documentaries, plays, comedy programmes and soaps.
Were we wrong!
Instead, the BBC and independent television broadcasters launched into a bidding game for the rights to these broadcasts, and the result is that there is more, not less, of the stuff on the BBC, ITV, and Channels 4 and 5. And the vast sums of money bid for contracts has meant that the protagonists in these “sports” are multi-millionaires, and players are bought and sold for, and paid, telephone-number amounts of money.
And why do sports reporters and commentators have to shout? Even in the studio they seem to think it’s necessary. And if they’re commentating at a football match, say, why can’t they use microphones that only pick up sounds from a small area; haven’t we got the technology?
I have another gripe to make before I shut up. Why are sports programmes accompanied by loud raucous ‘music’? It’s almost as bad as the shouting in television commercials.
