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Puns are Fun

(and More quotes are here)

International Pun Contest

Here are the ten first place winners an International Pun Contest

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger”.
  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive”.
  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal treatment? His goal: transcend dental medication. [Novocain is a local anaesthetic used by dentists]
  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”.
  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and smashed up their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. [hexed means ‘brought misfortune’]
  10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

More Puns

  1. When chemists die, they barium.
  2. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  3. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  4. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  5. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  6. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  7. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  8. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
  9. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  10. They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a typo.
  11. PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
  12. Why were the Indians there first? They had reservations.
  13. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
  14. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
  15. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  16. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
  17. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  18. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  19. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  20. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  21. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  22. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  23. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  24. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  25. I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
  26. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. And the police have nothing to go on.
  27. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  28. Haunted French pancakes give me the crèpes.
  29. Velcro – what a rip off!
  30. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

And As If You Hadn’t Had Enough Of Them — More Puns

  1. Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
  2. Earthquake in London, obviously government’s fault.
  3. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  4. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
  5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  8. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  10. The batteries were given out free of charge.
  11. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  12. A will is a dead giveaway.
  13. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  14. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  15. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  16. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  17. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  19. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
  20. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
  21. When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
  22. Police were called to a Day-care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  23. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  24. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  25. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  26. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  28. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  29. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
  30. Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.

Puns for Educated Minds

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much π.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.
  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
  12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass”.
  13. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  14. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  16. A backward poet writes inverse.
  17. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your Count that votes.
  18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
  20. What’s the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist?
    An etymologist knows the difference.
  21. Zeno tried to walk into a bar...
  22. A biochemist walks into a student bar and says to the barman: “I’d like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please.”
    “Certainly”, says the barman, “that’ll be ATP.”
  23. And the barman said; “I’m sorry but we don’t serve neutrinos in here.”
    Two neutrinos walk into a bar.
    No, they were tachyons; the neutrinos were just passing through.
  24. Descartes walks into a bar. “Beer?” asks the barman.
    “I think not” replies René, who disappears.
  25. “I stink, therefore I am”, Descartes’s dog, 1686.
  26. Three logicians walk into a bar, the barman says “Do you all want a beer?”
    The first logician says “I don’t know”.
    The second says “I don’t know”.
    The third says “Yes”.
  27. A layman, a scientist and a mathematician are driving through Wales when they spot a black sheep on a hillside.
    The layman says: “How fascinating. The sheep in Wales are black”.
    The scientist says: “No. There is one sheep in Wales which is black”.
    The mathematician sighs and rolls his eyes. “I beg to differ. There is at least one sheep in Wales, at least one side of which appears black, if viewed from here, sometimes...”.
  28. Three statisticians go hunting. They spot a rabbit.
    The first statistician fires at the rabbit and hits three feet in front of it.
    The second statistician fires and hits three feet beyond the rabbit.
    The third statistician says, “Hey! We got him!”
  29. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
  30. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Juan.
  31. How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    It takes two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the peni-, fathe-, LADDER!
  32. How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to change the bulb, and another to set up a website claiming that the burning out of the previous bulb was not just a coincidence.
  33. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
    You don’t know because you weren’t there man!
    And in any case, it’s none, because animals don’t need artificial light.
  34. How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None – they just define darkness as “industry standard”.
  35. Why do Marx and Engels drink Earl Grey tea?
    Because proper tea is theft.
    [Actually “Property is theft” is not a Marxist notion – it’s an anarchist one; the quote comes from Pierre-Joseph Proudhon].
  36. What did the proton say to the ever-grumpy electron?
    “Why do you have to be so negative all the time?”
  37. I used to always be negative. I eventually got to the root of the problem, but now I’m imaginary.
  38. Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed?
    Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
  39. Two behavioural scientists meet in the street.
    One says to the other: “You’re OK. How am I?”
  40. The masochist said to the sadist: “Hit me”.
    The sadist said “no”.
  41. The science teacher took a drink, but now he drinks no more.
    For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
  42. Potassium Ethoxide Rules C2H5OK
  43. Where do you get Mercury from?
    HG Wells.
  44. What’s the chemical formula for holy water?
    H2OMG.
  45. What did the Nihilist Borg Say?
    “Existence is Futile.”
  46. What did the superconductor say to the resistor?
    “Resistance is Futile!”
  47. Why are days in the summer longer than those in the winter?
    Because, as everyone knows, heat makes things expand.
  48. A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman.
    “But honey,” he says. “I can explain everything!”
  49. Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road?
    He was already on both sides.
  50. Why is it so difficult to explain bad puns to kleptomaniacs?
    Because they always take things so literally.
  51. How many people of a certain demographic does it take to perform a specified task?
    It takes a finite number: one person to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.
  52. Schroedinger’s cat walks into a bar.
    And it doesn’t.
    Schrödinger’s cat is dead. The poor thing died decades ago. Cats live what 15, 16 years, maximum? Schrödinger died in 1961. YOU do the maths.
    Heisenberg’s cat is dead, too. Of that, I have no uncertainty.
  53. Did you know that irradiated cats have eighteen half-lives?
  54. Two cats are sitting on a roof. Which one slips off?
    The one with the smallest μ.
  55. What is the longest song in the world?
    ℵ0 Green Bottles Standing on the Wall.
  56. Why did the inverse function cross the road?
    To get to the same side.
  57. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who do not.
  58. How does a mathematician determine the shortest fence to include a herd of cattle?
    He draws a fence around his feet and declares: “I’m outside the fence”.
  59. Stefan Banach and Alfred Tarski go into a pub. They order one half between them and get two pints – the barman believes in the axiom of choice.
    “That’ll be £5”, says the barman. They give him 1p and he puts £5 in the till.
  60. What’s a good anagram of “Banach-Tarski”?
    “Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski”.
     
    [Re the previous two items, I looked up the Banach–Tarski paradox and I sort of understand the answer... but only sort of! See also the Cayley graph in the top left of my Maths page.]
  61. What do you get if you cross a zebra with a banana?
    Zebra banana sine theta.
  62. How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    Ask them to pronounce “unionised”!
  63. My mate’s in a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had a gig yet.
  64. Who doesn’t understand many of these jokes?
    An American.
  65. Six months ago I couldn’t spell Chemical Engineer, now I are one!
  66. What’s the fastest drink in the world?
    Milk, ’cos it’s pasteurise-d before you even see it!
  67. Just imagine, for a moment, that there were no hypothetical situations...
  68. When students of philosophy visit prostitutes, they put Descartes before the whores.
  69. Caesar goes into a bar and says: “Gimme a martinus”.
    The barman says “You mean a martini”.
    Caesar: “If I want two I’ll ask for them“.
    [It should, of course, be “Gimme me a martinum”. Accusative!!!]
  70. What happens to light that breaks the law?
    It ends up in a prism.
  71. Two doctors at a medical conference went back to the man’s hotel room. Before they made love the woman went into the bathroom and scrubbed down twice.
    When she came into the bedroom, the male doctor said: “You must be a surgeon because you cleaned your hands so thoroughly”.
    “You are right”, she said.
    After they had made love, the surgeon said: “You MUST be an Anaesthetist!”
    The man replied: “Yes, how did you know?”
    “Because I didn’t feel a thing!” she said.
  72. Two scientists trying to tell a joke.
    Professor Hawking: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
    Einstein: “Yes – but did the chicken cross the road, or the road cross the chicken?”
  73. “To do, be” – Voltaire.
    “To be, do” – Blaise Pascale.
    “Do be do be do” – Frank Sinatra.
  74. How can you tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman?
    He’s the one wearing a cat flap.
    This is the same Yorkshireman whose pet is called Cooking Fat.
  75. Robert Mugabe is actually a Yorkshireman; his name backwards is E-ba-gum.
  76. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a pub.
    “What’s this?” said the barman, “Some kind of joke?”
  77. Student: But I don’t think I deserve a zero in this exam.
    Teacher: Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.
  78. -
  79. Q: What’s the difference between Australia and a yoghurt?
    A: Given time, one of them develops a culture!
  80. Did you know that 78.52% of statistics are invented? — including this one.
  81. Thought for the Day/Week/Year:
    20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
    Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
  82. CERN says that a neutrino beam fired from a particle accelerator near Geneva to a lab in Italy travelled faster than the speed of light. Don’t they know it’s dark underground and we know the speed of dark is faster than the speed of light — however fast the light goes, the dark is always there before it!
  83. The bar-man said: “I’m sorry we don’t serve neutrinos”.
    A neutrino went into a bar.
  84. A Higgs Boson went into a church.
    The clergyman stopped him and said: “There is but one God; we do not allow so-called god particles in here.”
    “OK,” the boson replied, “ in which case you cannot have a Mass!”
  85. Neil Armstrong once came into my butchers shop.
    I said, “What can I get you?”
    He said, “I’ll have once small side of ham and one giant piece of rump rind”.

How Appropriate! (and True)

I once knew a Mr Parry who named his daughter ‘Gay’ (as in Gay Paree) — and that was in the days before gay had its current connotations.

And I knew a Funeral Director called Mr Sadd

And there’s an Estate Agency called House & Son in Bournemouth.

Spanish Pun
(yes, at least one exists)

“¿Vino de la casa?” I asked the waiter.
“No, vino de la playa,” he replied.

[House wine?
No, it came from the beach.]

Napoleon

“I feel a right tit!”

What Confucius Didn’t Say

Confucius
  1. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
  2. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  3. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  4. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  5. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
  6. Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
  7. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
  8. Man who eats many prunes will get good run for money.
  9. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
  10. Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.
  11. It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
  12. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  13. Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
  14. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Headlines

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
UNPRECEDENTED FLOODS IN KENT AGAIN
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

[A friend once told me “I like children; I couldn’t manage a whole one though”]

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

And my favourite from World War II:

MONTY FLIES BACK TO FRONT

Some Problems the English have with Other Languages, especially Latin

falsus in unum, falsus in omnibus:
Silicone implants in one, and in public transport!
fiat lux:
Posh Italian car.
in situ:
Make yourself comfortable.
hic abundant leones:
Pardon my belch, I’ve eaten too many lions.
illegitimi non carborundum or illegitimus non carborundum:
Don’t let the bastards grind you down or This bastard file is dull and won’t cut.
in camera:
35-mm film.
in loco parentis:
My dad’s an engine-driver.
in toto:
Eaten by a dog going to the Land of Oz.
lux sit:
Try this comfortable chair.
magnum opus:
Big Irish cat.
mens agitat molem:
People trouble rodents.
nomen nudum:
Naked men banned.
carpe diem!
Fish of the day?
Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres:
Some people have enough gall to start a third party
   or, as I learnt it at school,
All of Gaul is quartered into three halves.
ad nauseam:
Disgusting commercial.
bona fide:
Non-chemically-enhanced erection.
nil desperandum:
We really need a goal here.
pro bono:
U2 is my favourite band.
sic transit gloria mundi:
Gloria began her work week by puking on the subway.
mare nostrum:
The horse can’t play the guitar.
missit me Dominus:
Nobody will play dominoes with me.
caveat lector:
“Beware of Cannibals”
nota bene (n.b.):
A pea.
ceteris paribus:
Crossword compiler on French transport.
quid pro quo:
Soccer players make how much!?
sine qua non:
The place is posted, “Don’t drink the water”.
noli me tangere:
It’s just my little orange.
annus horribilis:
A pain in the arse.
spaghetti carbonara:
Pasta on fire.
Deutschland über alles:
Alice got run over by a Volkswagen.
coup de gras:
Lawnmower.
hors de combat:
Military hookers.
auto-da-fé:
Your car’s on fire.
Ich bin ein Berliner:
I am a jam doughnut [or as JFK meant: I am a Berliner].

Some One-Liners (or maybe just a bit longer)

  1. Pretentious? MOI???
  2. Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing flying aardvarks.
    Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
    Patient: No, I just keep seeing flying aardvarks.
  3. “Do you like Woking?”
    “I don’t know; I’ve never Woked?”
  4. In some jurisdictions Muffin the Mule is an offence.
  5. If TV News channels have “Breaking News”, why don’t the Weather forecasts have “Breaking Wind”?
  6. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  7. A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
    “No,” she says. “It’s just regular porn...you sick bastard.”
  8. A priest was preaching in a school in Ireland, his text the parable of the good Samaritan. As he went through the parable, he asked the children why they thought the priest and the Levite passed the injured man on the other side of the road, instead of going to help him.
    One enthusiastic young boy put up his hand: “Because they could see he had already been mugged, Father”.
  9. “If Boris was the answer, then what on earth was the question?” – Frankie Boyle in The Guardian.

Some Quotes

  1. As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are — Peter Cook (1937 — 1995)
  2. Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them — Leo Tolstoy (1828 — 1910)
  3. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography — Ambrose Bierce (1842 — 1913)
  4. Time is that which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him — Herbert Spencer (1820 — 1903)
  5. A dachshund is a half-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long — H L Menchen (1880 — 1956)
  6. I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it — Thomas Jefferson (1743 — 1826)
  7. I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies — Thomas Jefferson (1743 — 1826)
  8. If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything — William Lyon Phelps (1865 — 1943)
  9. An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory — Franklin P Jones (1908 — 1980)
  10. It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry — Joe Moore (Hawaiian TV Presenter)
  11. It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it’s not, it’s a visa, and it runs out fast — Julie Burchill (born 1959)
  12. My greatest fear in life is that, when I am gone, no-one will remember me.” — Anon
  13. If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised — Dorothy Parker (1893 — 1967)
  14. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labour. — Wernher von Braun, rocket scientist (1912 — 1977)
  15. The biggest difference between time and space is that you can’t reuse time — Professor Merrick Furst, College of Computing, Georgia Tech.
  16. Live every day as if it were your last — and some day you’ll be right — Fred Allen (1894 — 1956)
  17. Never have children, only grandchildren — Gore Vidal (1925 — 2012)
  18. Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it — Albert Einstein (1879 — 1955)
  19. I had to give up masochism — I was enjoying it too much — Mel Calman (1931 — 1994)
  20. In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it — Oscar Wilde (1854 — 1900)
  21. The best number for a dinner party is two — myself and a damn’ good head waiter — Nubar Gulbenkian (1896 — 1972)
  22. Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected — Robert Orben (born 1927)
  23. If I had to live my life all over again, I’d do it all exactly the same — only I wouldn’t read Beowulf — Woody Allen (born 1935)
  24. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane — Steven Wright (born 1955)
  25. Believe those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it — Andre Gide (1869 — 1951)
  26. Women like silent men. They think they are listening — Marcel Achard (1899 — 1974)
  27. Wine is bottled poetry — Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 — 1894)
  28. Politics is for the moment. An equation is for eternity — Albert Einstein (1875 — 1955)
  29. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper — Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954)
  30. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read — Groucho Marx (1890 — 1977)
  31. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else — Margaret Mead (1901 — 1978)
  32. Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind — Rudyard Kipling (1865 — 1936)
  33. If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done — Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889 — 1951)
  34. Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it’s the time when they most need to think — Bill Clinton (born 1946)
  35. I am a member of a magic circle — The Secret Six — which is so secret I don’t know the other five — Tommy Cooper (1921 — 1984)
  36. The Lord created the universe in seven days but the Lord had the wonderful advantage of being able to work alone — Kofi Annan (born 1938)
  37. If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t cheat death, what chance have I got? Practically none — Mel Brooks (born 1926)
  38. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names — John F Kennedy (1917 — 1963)
  39. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me — Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 — 1980)
  40. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ’Parking Fine’ — Tommy Cooper (1921 — 1984)
  41. If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor — Neil Simon (born 1927)
  42. Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything — J K Galbraith (1908 — 2006)
  43. Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn — Archbishop Fulton J Sheen (1895 — 1979)
  44. Never cut what you can untie — Joseph Joubert (1754 — 1824)
  45. Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters — Victor Hugo (1802 — 1885)
  46. Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it — George Carlin (1937 — 2008)
  47. It is through science that we prove, but through intuition that we discover — Henri Poincaré (1854 — 1912)
  48. What I say is that, if a fellow really likes potatoes, he must be a pretty decent sort of fellow — A A Milne (1882 — 1956)
  49. You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was — Irish Saying
  50. Your mind is a dangerous neighbourhood and you shouldn’t go in there alone at night — Christiane Northrup (authority on women’s health, born 1949)
  51. You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me — C S Lewis (1898 — 1963)
  52. A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about — Miguel de Unamuno (1864 — 1936)
  53. If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough — Albert Einstein (1879 — 1955)
  54. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school — Albert Einstein (1879 — 1955)
  55. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new — Albert Einstein (1879 — 1955)
  56. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law — Hubert H Humphrey (1911 — 1978)
  57. What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents — Robert Kennedy (1925 — 1968)
  58. The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination but the combination is locked up in the safe — Peter DeVries (1910 — 1993)

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  1. A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli (1804 — 1881), “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
  2. “He had delusions of adequacy.” — Walter Kerr (1913 — 1996)
  3. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” — Winston Churchill (1874 — 1965)
  4. “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow (1857 — 1938)
  5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner (1897 — 1962) about Ernest Hemingway (1899 — 1961)
  6. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” — Moses Hadas (1900 — 1966)
  7. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain (1835 — 1910)
  8. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends...” — Oscar Wilde (1854 — 1900)
  9. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” — George Bernard Shaw (1856 — 1950) to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” — Winston Churchill (1874 — 1965), in response
  10. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
  11. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright (1811 — 1889)
  12. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb (1876 — 1944)
  13. “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” — Samuel Johnson (1709 — 1784)
  14. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating (born 1944)
  15. “This book fills a much-needed gap.” — Moses Hadas (1900 — 1966)
  16. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” — Charles, Count Talleyrand (1754 — 1838)
  17. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” — Forrest Tucker (1919 — 1986)
  18. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain (1835 — 1910)
  19. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” — Mae West (1893 — 1980)
  20. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde (1854 — 1900)
  21. “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” — Andrew Lang (1844 — 1912)
  22. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder (1906 — 2002)
  23. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx (1890 — 1977)
  24. “If you were twice as funny you’d be a wit (as it is, you’re only a half-wit).” — Anon.

Horses for Courses

Following the scandal about beef products that were found to contain horse-meat, here are a few observations:

  1. The doctor advised me to watch what I eat. So I went straight home and put on “The Adventures Of Black Beauty”.
    Good for you. It’s always best to have a stable diet.
  2. Horse d’oeuvres, anyone?
  3. The mane thing is that no one is likely to have been harmed in this scandal.
  4. I’m taking my daughter for a Happy Meal tonight; I hear there’s a “My Little Pony” promotion. Hopefully it won’t give her the trots. She’ll consume it at a canter.
  5. I defrosted a couple of beefburgers yesterday. But when I went to grill them for dinner, they rode off together into the sunset!
  6. All this is giving me nightmares.
  7. I found a horse flavoured lasagneigh discarded in a bush... I was going to hand it in to the police but I thought “no, Findus keepers”.
  8. I went to McDonalds yesterday for a quarter pounder. The young lady asked me if I wanted anything on it. I replied “Yes, a fiver each way please”.
  9. Eating horse meat makes me jumpy and frisky. If anyone else asks whether or not I took Shergar I shall die from apoplexy. Will we continue finding horse in our diet? I’ll jump that hurdle when I come to it.
  10. You can take a White Horse anywhere... the Scotch firm was years ahead of its time.
  11. I had a Tesco ready meal that had gone past its date, so I put it out to stud.
  12. It’s just what you might expect from Romanian butchers, plenty of old nags out there, past their sell-by date, worn out by pulling gypsy carts around; all just horses for courses...
  13. Horse. Just say “Neigh”.

Schoolboy Howlers

On Religion

  1. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  4. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  5. The Papal bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants.
  6. The Seventh Commandment is “Thou shall not admit adultery”.
  7. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
  8. The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
  9. A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.
  10. In the middle of the 18th-century, all the morons moved to Utah.

On Sociology

  1. Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
  2. A phlegmatic person is one who has chronic bronchitis.
  3. If anyone should faint, put her head between the knees of the nearest medical man.
  4. The Press today is the mouth organ of the people.
  5. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
  6. In answer to a question about the British electoral system, a student at the University of London considered “first parcel post” a worthy system.
  7. The end of the world will make a turning point in everyone’s life.

On Geography

  1. In some rocks there are to be found the fossil footprints of fishes.
  2. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
  3. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  4. The Dutch people use water power to drive their windmills.
  5. The Andes are a race of people living in North America.
  6. The Rhine is boarded by wooden mountains.
  7. A consonant is a large piece of land surrounded by water.
  8. Britain has a temporary climate.
  9. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

On History

  1. Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.
    [When I was at school, straight boys measured the attractiveness of girls in “milliHelens”, i.e. how many ships would her beauty launch?]
  2. When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said: “Me too, Brutus!”.
  3. Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt and Japan. Sadly he died with no hair.
  4. Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican.
  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  6. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
  7. Henry I died of eating palfreys.
  8. King John ground the people down under heavy taxis.
  9. King Edward IV had no claim by geological right to the English throne.
  10. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.
  11. Joan of Arc was Noah’s sister.
  12. Magellan circumsized the world with his 30-foot clipper.
  13. King Henry VIII couldn’t walk because he had an abbess on each knee.
  14. Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the Invisible Armada.
  15. Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.
  16. The 19th-century was when people stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

On Literature

  1. Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn’t reach the right side of the page.
  2. A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.
  3. An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem.
  4. Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
  5. The isles of Greece were always quarrelling as to which was the birth place of Homer; Chaos had the most right to obtain him.
  6. William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
  7. Shakespeare founded As You Like It on a book previously written by Sir Oliver Lodge [a 19th–20th century Spiritualist].
  8. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
  9. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
  10. Tennyson wrote In Memorandum.
  11. In lbsen’s Ghosts, Oswald dies of congenial syphilis.
  12. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  13. George Eliot left a wife and children to mourn his genii.

On Modern History

  1. Women’s suffrage is the state of suffering to which they were born.
  2. Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
  3. President Carter faced the “Iran Hostess Crisis”.

On Science

  1. The whale is an amphibious animal because it lives on land and dies in the water.
  2. Martin Harvey invented the circulation of the blood.
  3. Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed Asians.
  4. Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
  5. Horse power is the distance one horse can carry a pound of water in an hour.
  6. A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.
  7. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
  8. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. But I don’t know why.
  9. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
  10. Madman Curie discovered radio.
  11. Al Chemy was a man who discovered chemistry.
  12. The tides in the oceans are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in the fight.
  13. Summer days are longer than winter ones because heat makes things expand.

On Maths

  1. Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them;
    or, if you prefer:
    Parallel lines are the same distance all the way, and do not meet unless you bend them.
  2. A parallelogram is a figure made of four parallel straight lines.
  3. Algebraic symbols are used when you don’t know what you are talking about.
  4. An axiom is a thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it.
  5. A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
  6. Geometry tells us how to bisex angels.
  7. An angle is a triangle with only two sides.

On School

  1. The Headmaster caned me only on rear occasions.
  2. We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
  3. “The primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living. This is so important that it should be repeated. The primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living. Indeed, it cannot be said too often that the primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living.”