More Jokes

Shhh...

Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything.

Madame de Gaulle

There is a famous story concerning the former French president, Charles de Gaulle. An English journalist asked his wife what she was most looking forward to now that her husband was retiring from public life.

“A penis,” she replied, to the astonished audience.

It was only later that people realised she was saying “’appiness.”

Insurance

Only in America would you see a true story like this one:

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against [get this] fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed one. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obliged to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man arrested... for arson.

These are Absolutely True!

I used to teach in an all-boys school; every year the boys put on a play for the parents. One day, reading the usual clutch of boring announcements at the end of School Assembly, the deputy Head said: “Mr X would like to see all boys with female parts at 4 pm”. Uproar ensued.

And an Economics teacher told me that each year the examination questions were the same, but the answers were different!

In a Tarragona Shopping Centre, by the lifts, there is a multilingual sign, the English version being DO NOT USE IN CASE OF FIRE. So why did they install it? (It’s amazing what difference an omitted ‘the’ makes!)

You Shall Go to the Ball

What did Cinderella do when she got to the Ball?

Gagged

Straight Talkin’

“So last ****ing night I went into this ****ing bar and had a couple of ****ing pints. Across the ****ing room was this ****ing gorgeous bird. So I ****ing thought ‘You’re ****ing in there, mate’, and I went across to where she was ****ing sitting. I ****ing chatted her up and, to cut a ****ing story short, I took her back to her ****ing place in a ****ing taxi. She ****ing invited me in for ****ing coffee, and in no time we were in her ****ing bed having sexual intercourse!”

Read this warning from the London Fire Service:
Do try not to get your penis stuck in a toaster.

Idiosyncrasies of English

For those who enjoy the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those special road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why is it called the tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
Why do shops have signs, “Guide Dogs Only”, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

Spike Milligan Quotes

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
And God said, ’Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I’m a hero with coward’s legs.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
I’m not afraid of dying I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
It’s all in the mind, you know.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.

Some Jokes and Other Trivia