In Memoriam

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
  
  
• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped
  
  
• I Wouldn't Join Any Club that Would Have Me as a Member
  
  
• A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five!
  
  
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
  
  
• How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
  
  
• We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
  
  
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  
  
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
  
  
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
  
  
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  
  
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music
  
  
• My mother loved children; she would have given anything if I had been one
  
  
• I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.
  
  
• From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  
  
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
  
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing
  it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
  
  
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  
  
• Now there's a man with an open mind ; you can feel the breeze from
  here!
  
  
• There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
  
  
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
  
  
• Time wounds all heels.
  
  
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
  
  
• I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  
  
• I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
  
  
• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  
  
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
  
  
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  
  
• It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt (originally due to Samuel Johnson; thanks to Richard Hussong, rhussong@ultranet.com, for the information)
  
  
• I drink to make other people interesting.
  

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